Jess Emmett, United Kingdom
Photography by Trina Cary Photography
Jess Emmett, mother of two, born and raised the Midlands, shares her story of raising her two kids in London, United Kingdom.
Introduction
Can you share a little background on yourself?
I’m in my late thirties and the eldest of three girls. My parents were teachers and we had a very happy childhood that was grounded in simple pleasures. They worked hard, saved hard and put us kids first every step of the way (as they still do). We spent the long school summer holidays all together, travelling and camping around France, and they gave us great belief in ourselves.
I was scouted by a modelling agency at the age of 16 – something my parents were very dubious about, but they gave their blessing anyway – and I went on to have a thriving career working all over the world for a number of well-known brands. Alongside modelling, I always had other ventures I was pursuing. After graduating with a degree in Art and English, I became a family photographer. Then, after moving to London, I moonlighted as an editor of luxury lifestyle magazines and travelled extensively to write about luxury holiday destinations.
I met my future husband within two weeks of moving to London (he lived in the apartment upstairs!), and in 2015, I became a mum for the first time. It changed everything. It wasn’t my first pregnancy – I’d had a termination the year before after a Down’s Syndrome diagnosis with our first baby. It’s not something I talk about often as it’s a particularly personal decision, but it’s part of my story and relevant here because the support I received from the NHS through that time was better than I could have expected. This loss brought out the lioness in me and uncovered a strength that I didn’t know I had. I was already in the headspace of motherhood and relished my next pregnancy with my daughter. I also had a very empowering birth. That process, along with the support of a family of strong, maternal role-models has completely shaped my experience of motherhood.
After years of hustling and chasing work, I realised that lifestyle wasn’t making me happy and I found a new, much more aligned purpose in motherhood. It took some time to accept that ‘having it all’ wasn’t going to be the right path for me – it’s a myth we’re fed as women, I think – but I instantly found myself adopting an ‘attachment parenting’ style (I didn’t know it was called that for a while, I just followed my instinct) that didn’t go hand in hand with an industry where you could be called to a shoot in South Africa with 24-hours’ notice.
I still work now, but less, and more selectively, and I’ve even had my kids working on modelling jobs with me! We’ve moved to the countryside now, had a second child and live a quiet, rural life which I’ve never been more grateful for than this year.
Where were you born and raised?
I was born and raised in the Midlands. I moved to Wales to go to university and then gravitated towards London where I met my husband and started our family. We now live in the countryside just outside of London.
You have two children, what are their ages?
My daughter Eliana is five years old, and my son Sebastian is two.
Were your children both born in the UK?
Yes, Eliana was born in London and Sebastian in the area we live now, the countryside outside London.
I love seeing your beautiful journal of motherhood and breastfeeding. What’s your favourite thing about sharing snippets of your life as a mother?
Community. Strangely, I feel more inclined to share my honest and vulnerable feelings relating to motherhood online more than real life. Writing is my favourite form of communication as it helps me process emotions - I find it cathartic. When I share on Instagram, it’s always the rawest posts that have come straight from the heart, the ones where I hover over the post button wondering if I’m sharing too much, that resonate the most with others and it’s that response that makes me realise this is a need for mothers.
I think this is especially the case when your experience of motherhood isn’t the norm or is still cloaked in taboo. There are so many examples of this, but for me it was when I realised I was the only mother that was ‘still’ breastfeeding. I found people online who were breastfeeding into the toddler years and beyond and they gave me such confidence. I went on to tandem feed my kids and shared my story which I hope passed that inspiration forward.
Pregnancy
What type of prenatal care do you receive throughout your pregnancy in the UK?
We have options. Generally, for a normal, healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy that’s been conceived without assistance, you’ll be put under midwife care throughout your pregnancy and beyond. If your midwife or General Practitioner (GP) have any concerns about your pregnancy based on personal circumstances, health or complications with previous births, they’ll refer you to an obstetrician. Or if you have any of your own concerns, you can choose to see an obstetrician. The obstetrician is then able to advise whether your pregnancy should be midwife-led or consultant-led, but if you have strong preferences either way, you have the freedom to discuss your options with them.
Whether midwife- or consultant-led, the NHS (our free National Health Service) is trying to provide continuity of care for all pregnant people. The ultimate standard would be that you see the same face from beginning to end, for example with the same midwife providing antenatal care, birth assistance and initial postnatal care, although the success of this really depends on where you live.
Are scans/ultrasounds readily available and how often are they required during pregnancy?
Yes, all hospitals in England offer pregnant women at least two ultrasound scans during their pregnancy, one at 8-14 weeks and one at 18-22 weeks. Some women will be offered more than two scans depending on the health of their pregnancy, and if you have any worries (such as a lack of movement) you’d be offered a scan.
What are the attitudes towards pregnant women? Do you receive any special ‘care’?
This is difficult to answer as I think it depends on where you live, your socio-economic status, the people you’re surrounded by and your background. In my personal experience (noting I’m fully aware of my white, middle class privilege), I’ve always felt respected during pregnancy and in general. If people have noticed I’m pregnant they’ll hold a door, offer their seat, etc., but beyond that, there’s not much extra fuss made.
If you live in London, Transport for London (TFL) offers free badges that say ‘Baby on Board’ for you to wear when you’re on public transport and there’s always priority seating for people who are disabled, pregnant or less able to stand - for example, those carrying a baby.
Is any attention given to preparing women both physically and psychologically for birth?
Hospitals offer free antenatal courses that pregnant women are encouraged to attend to help prepare for birth, breastfeeding and the early days. There’s also a charity called the National Childbirth Trust (NCT) which is very well known, certainly in London and the surrounding counties, for its antenatal classes. They come at a cost, but there are reduced price options for low-income families. This is where I and most people I know discovered their first ‘mum tribe’ as you’re grouped with people who have similar due dates. They were the women I turned to at three o’clock in the morning for moral support in the early weeks after birth.
There’s a whole host of private birth preparation options, from hypnobirthing courses to pregnancy yoga classes, plus lots of free resources online. I love being pregnant and dived head first into everything I could find, which I think made the process even more positive for me, but I know this wasn’t the case for many (most, in fact) of my friends. I do wish more people were encouraged to find this sort of support prior to birth and motherhood so that they feel held and heard through the process.
Are there any foods pregnant women are recommended to avoid during pregnancy?
Soft cheeses (brie, camembert, Danish blue and goats’ cheese), cured meats, undercooked meat, pate, raw shellfish, swordfish and alcohol. There are also restrictions on tuna, caffeine, and herbal teas.
Birth
What have you found the attitudes towards birth to be in the UK?
I think there’s a real cross section of attitudes towards birth in the UK. As far as I can gather, the NHS encourages women to have the birth that suits them best. So if you have an uncomplicated pregnancy with no underlying health concerns, then they’ll gently encourage you to have an intervention-free birth in a midwifery-led unit. if you’re at higher risk or have mental or physical health issues surrounding birth, they’ll advise a different route. Choice is available and the guidance is gentle, although I think there’s also an element of responsibility on the mother to educate herself on what her options really are. For example, there may be an assumption from professionals that you’ll want your labour induced as soon as you’ve passed your due date, so pregnant women will opt for it without realising that it’s not compulsory.
I think in general, birth is still very much feared and is seen as something to endure as a means to an end. While more people are beginning to share positive birth stories, in my personal, real life I haven’t come across many women who have positive things to say about their birth experiences, or their pregnancies for that matter. However, I do believe in the power of a domino effect. I know sharing my positive birth experiences has led to friends and relatives approaching birth with a different outlook, and then their positive experience has been passed on to their friends, and so on. The power of storytelling when it comes to birth should definitely not be underestimated. I also think this is why dealing with birth trauma is extremely important, as one negative experience can do the opposite and shroud birth in fear for the women who are on the receiving end of that narrative. I’m not saying the trauma shouldn’t be shared, but it’s also psychological baggage that someone shouldn’t have to carry with them into motherhood and the support should be there to help reframe the story.
Can you share a little about your birth experiences?
I’ve had two very positive birth experiences – I would honestly say the days I gave birth were the best days of my life. The flood of oxytocin and the sense of omnipotence I felt after giving birth was nothing like I’d ever felt before or have felt since. I felt very well supported by my midwives, although in a hands-off kind of way. I remember with both births there were moments where I realised I was doing it all myself and the midwives could see this and they just stood back, didn’t interfere and let me get on with it. I had gas and air (entonox) and used a TENS machine through both births which helped, and I also did some brief hypnobirthing practice in advance which put me in the right headspace. If I were to have more children I’d definitely hire a birth and postnatal doula, especially if I had a home birth, to take the pressure off my husband so he could enjoy it more. I’d also delve further into hypnobirthing so that I could manage my pain better without assistance.
Are doulas available to help support your birth and/or postpartum in the UK?
Yes, private birth and postpartum doulas are available at a cost and certified doulas can be found through Doula UK. They’re not commonly used and I didn’t have one with my births, but I wish I had! If I had another I definitely would employ a doula
Where did you give birth?
My first birth was at a midwife-led birthing centre in a hospital in central London. They called it a ‘Home from Home’ birth centre and I felt incredibly well supported and looked after by the midwives there. As a bonus, it had incredible views over the Palace of Westminster, Big Ben and the London Eye!
By the time I was pregnant with my second child, we’d moved out of London. We were a little further from a hospital, and on a very superficial level I couldn’t picture myself having as great a birth in a hospital that lacked the romance and drama of a backdrop filled with landmarks, so I decided to have a home birth. I received a lot of raised eyebrows when I brought this up with people – it most definitely isn’t the norm – but I had another very straightforward pregnancy, I’d done my research, my husband was on board with the idea and we had a specific, experienced home birth team for our area as it’s quite rural, so that’s what we did and it went very smoothly. My favourite part was that we could go and wake my daughter up to meet her brother immediately, and then I could go straight to sleep in my own bed with my new baby cuddled up next to me.
How long do new mothers tend to stay in hospital following birth?
It all depends on the type of birth you have, the health of you and your baby, and your feeding success. I gave birth the first time in the early hours of Friday morning and then left hospital on the Saturday afternoon. During that time, I was very lucky to stay in a private room with an ensuite at no cost, and my husband could stay overnight too. I can only assume it’s because the ward was quiet or perhaps because the midwives took pity on me over my three-day long labour!
We got quite comfortable having the midwives there for support, so we didn’t want to leave in a rush, but as soon as I managed to get my daughter latched on to breastfeed – which took a while as we were both so exhausted from the birth – I was given the go ahead to head home. Most people, however, get transferred to a postnatal ward with other new mums and I know many who couldn’t wait to leave.
What types of pain relief are available during birth?
In the birthing centre, I had access to entonox (gas and air) as well as pethidine and other opiates. There were also birthing pools, aromatherapy and massage. At home I used a birthing pool and TENS machine, and the midwives brought entonox again. Epidurals are available at a doctor-led hospital labour unit.
What recommendations are mothers given to support the physical healing of their body following birth?
There’s very little support with physical healing in the UK. At my six week check up after birth – the final sign off for mums unless there are any concerns – I was told by my GP that I’d be back in her office in 20 years time complaining of incontinence if I didn’t do my pelvic floor exercises. That was that – no guidance on where to get additional physio or advice. It came across as a telling-off more than anything. This is also the appointment where you’re given the go ahead to exercise if there’s no diastasis recti.
Private postnatal exercise classes are available in most towns – mum and baby yoga for example - which I’ve often found helpful on a relaxation and community-building level, but beyond that, as a society, the physical recovery often focuses on ‘snapping back’ into shape as opposed to healing.
And of course, try to remember to ask for help when needed. I’m very lucky to have a supportive wife and partner, not to mention very loving and helpful grandparents.. My mother-in-law lives only 15 minutes away and has been of great help. My parents have also flown over several times, although this has of course been more difficult for them the second time around because of the pandemic. I still Facetime them every day. Family has always been so important to me, I know they’re there,and always so happy for me, and how much they love their grandchildren. That support is golden and helps more than they know. Knowing they’rementally holding me in and keeping us in their prayers fills me with strength and joy.
What type of appointments typically follow birth, and are these in-home or out-of-home visits?
In pre-COVID times, mothers were visited at home several times by midwives in the first ten or so days post-birth. After that, if all is well, baby is feeding and putting on weight, and there are no causes for concern, mothers are handed over to the health visitor service. A health visitor would come to your home to introduce themselves and the service, to check everything is going ok, and to talk through any issues with the family. After that point, there’s usually a venue which is open weekly where you can drop in, get baby weighed and chat to a health visitor. I’m not sure how things have changed during these strange times but I know some new parents have struggled with a lack of face-to-face time with professionals.
What were the most important things in aiding your postpartum recovery, both physically and emotionally?
Sleep when the baby sleeps! I’m a big advocate of napping and try not to feel guilty about sleeping during the day, especially in the fourth trimester.
Postpartum
Is there any support for mother and baby during the ‘fourth trimester’?
The health visiting service is the free support service that’s there for mothers and babies through the fourth trimester and beyond. Maternity policies mean women aren’t rushed back to work, but we don’t have any particular cultural or spiritual practices that are performed during the fourth trimester, which I think is a bit of a shame. I love the concept of the ‘Closing the Bones’ ceremony, for example, that acknowledges the immense shift that mothers go through. It feels like the fourth trimester is a rushed process, if acknowledged at all in the UK.
Are there any ‘new mother’ groups you can join, and did you join any?
There are plenty of groups that focus on the baby, but I’d say most of the new mother support I received, other than from family, came from my NCT antenatal group members. A lot of my sense of maternal kinship has also been found online – through Facebook groups that are either local or niche (breastfeeding and gentle parenting communities, for example) and also things like podcasts. I rekindled a friendship with an old school friend after we both had our first babies around the same time and found ourselves living in the same neighbourhood - she went on to form Motherkind, a company that supports mums through coaching and a fantastic weekly podcast. Every time I tune in, it gives me a new, positively reframed picture of my daily life and purpose as a mum.
What’s the culture around taking newborns out in public? Do you wait a certain period for taking the baby out into public spaces?
No, there’s no cultural stipulation on how long you should take before re-entering public spaces and it generally comes down to personal preference. I think many women feel like they should get out, show the world how competent they are, how they can take this all in their stride, and I think this approach is often applauded, but equally, there’s no cultural requirement to behave in any particular way.
There was a great blog post written by British entrepreneur, Steph Douglas, who started a company called Don’t Buy Her Flowers after realising the last thing she wanted to be doing was arranging flowers in vases when she had a newborn. After having her third baby, she published a piece called ‘Pulling Up the Drawbridge’ (a phrase she borrowed from her mum, a midwife) about preserving the time immediately after giving birth - metaphorically pulling up the drawbridge and fending off visitors and the outside world. The post went viral and ‘pulling up the drawbridge’ became a phrase I hear people use. She gave people the confidence and language to be able to communicate this idea in a strong, empowering way.
Is there government-supported maternity or paternity leave, and if so, for how long?
Yes. Women in employment receive Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) for up to 39 weeks which is 90% of your average weekly earnings (before tax) for six weeks, followed by £151.20 for the next 33 weeks. Many companies top this up for a certain amount of weeks after birth.
If you can’t get SMP, if you’re self employed, or if you’ve recently stopped working then you can claim a Maternity Allowance for 39 weeks.
It’s mandatory for you to take two weeks leave after your baby is born, but statutory maternity leave is 52 weeks and companies are obligated to keep your post open for you during this time.
Partners are entitled to one or two weeks of paternity leave as standard without any risk to their job.
The government introduced Shared Parental Leave and Statutory Shared Parental Pay a few years ago, so now both parents can share up to 50 weeks of leave and up to 37 weeks of pay between them which can be taken in blocks interspersed by periods of work or all in one go. You can also choose to use this time to be off together.
Who typically cares for the baby during the newborn stage? What was this stage like for you personally?
The mother is the primary carer. Partners are often involved too, and since the introduction of shared parental leave I know of several families who’ve taken this option, allowing partners precious bonding time with their babies and allowing mothers to continue to flourish within their careers. It’s especially useful if the mother is the primary earner.
The contribution from the extended family varies. I would say it’s not typical to get a lot of support from family, certainly compared to other cultures, especially as many people move away from the area where they grew up and are no longer geographically near grandparents and extended family. My impression in general is that the extended family doesn’t necessarily see it as an obligation to provide support in the parenting of babies and children. I think women of my generation display so much competency in their lives prior to having kids, especially as they have kids later in life now, that the assumption is that they’re perfectly competent and capable when it comes to child-rearing too, and so essentially they get left to it despite really needing the support.
Can you speak to the culture around newborn sleep in the UK (particularly expectations for sleeping through the night, self soothing, etc.)? What are your personal thoughts on this?
Ha! I could speak about this all day. There’s definitely a strong expectation that by six months old your child will be sleeping through the night. In fact, many people would expect that to be the case by 12 weeks old. Interestingly, when these ages are compared to the ages that breastfeeding drops off there’s a definite correlation so personally I think the two things go hand in hand. There seems to be an expectation that mothers should encourage their babies to be as independent from them as early as possible.
Sleeping through the night is also dressed up as being a marker of ‘successful parenting’. In my first year of parenting, it used to baffle me that so many babies were sleeping soundlessly all night while my daughter was still constantly feeding. No one really spoke up about sleep training and ‘cry it out’. It’s only now, having spoken to several people about it, that I’ve realised pretty much every single family I know sleep trained, and quite early. I don’t know if that’s just because they felt the pressure of peers to earn their ‘sleep through the night’ badge and bragging rights or if they genuinely felt it was the right course of action.
I was never parented this way and my parents always remind me that I was waking up every night until I was four. My daughter still comes into our bed every night at five-and-a-half years old, so I suppose I’m getting my comeuppance!
Breastfeeding
Can you share a little bit about your breastfeeding journey with both of your children?
I went into motherhood not even questioning the possibility of whether I would be able to breastfeed, and simply assumed I’d be able to. While this may smack of hubris, I believe it played a big part in my breastfeeding success as I had a lot of self-belief. This largely stemmed from my family history of breastfeeding success. I was the first of my generation in my family to have a baby, but my mum, aunt and grandmother all breastfed. When my mum was in hospital in the 1980s, she had to fight for her right to breastfeed and had a very positive experience with a lactation specialist on the ward who helped her get started. That interaction meant that she went on to confidently feed three children whilst working full-time in an age where maternity allowances weren’t like they are now, and then she passed that positive attitude to me so that I could go into motherhood believing it would be possible for me to breastfeed. It was my mum who sat with me in the hospital and got my daughter to latch for the first time.
I went on to breastfeed my daughter until she was four-and-a-half years old and I’m currently feeding my two-and-a-half year old boy. I tandem fed them for 16 months after my son’s birth. Only at the very beginning of this crossover did I feed them at the same time as I found it easier to feed them separately in order for them to both get the individual emotional connection from it too. I experienced a slight nursing aversion towards my eldest every time I fed her (although, curiously, not when I fed him) during that period and in the end this is what pushed me to wean her. Even a year on she still occasionally likes to play with my nipple for comfort though!
I wouldn’t say it’s always been the easiest way to parent. I’ve co-slept with both children from day one, which made breastfeeding through the night much more achievable as I could also sleep while feeding, but with that comes a certain dependence which means I rarely go out in the evenings and I never leave them overnight. It’s a choice I’ve made and I’m happy with it, but I mostly struggle with the expectations of other people who assume that beyond a certain age (usually six months at the latest) your baby is on a bottle and sleeping through. No matter how often I explain my approach, they still can’t comprehend why I would do this to myself! However, my daughter is now a sparkling, vibrant, resilient, confident, emotionally intelligent five year old who’ll happily receive comfort and care from people other than me. She’s given me faith to believe it was all worthwhile, and the knowledge that this phase of intense nurture is really very short-lived in the grand scheme of life.
Do you think breastfeeding in public is socially accepted in your country?
From what I’ve witnessed, breastfeeding in public seems acceptable if you have a newborn. However, but I’ve noticed a lot of mums would choose to bottle feed in public as soon as their babies’ would take a bottle, whether that’s expressed breast or formula milk, and it’s certainly quite rare to see anyone feeding their babies in public beyond the six month mark, even if they’re still feeding them behind closed doors.
Even I found it became more difficult at that age – my kids would get distracted, not feed properly, bob on and off the boob every other second, want to tweak the other nipple and do breastfeeding gymnastics, so feeding at home became much easier and more relaxing for a while. When we were through that phase and they were calmer feeders again, I would feed the kids in public if they wanted to, but I was also conscious by this point that it shocked and surprised people.
I think until people see older babies and children feeding in public (or anywhere) they don’t even consider it a possibility, and as I’m quite a confident breastfeeder, I see this visibility as my way to educate and support other women. I’ve been fortunate to never have anyone say anything overtly negative when I’ve been feeding in public, and if someone does ask questions then I’m readily available to answer them and explain my ‘why’. On the other hand, I’ve heard of many people who have had unfavourable experiences, so I think I’ve just been fortunate as the stigma still exists.
Is breastfeeding support readily available?
Breastfeeding is covered as part of antenatal classes, although it’s the postnatal support that I found most critical. Prior to COVID, local, in-person breastfeeding support groups were active across the UK. Even though I got off to a comparatively seamless start with breastfeeding, I still went to ‘milk cafes’ in London in the first month or two of Eliana’s life. It gave me somewhere to go, where conversations revolved around all the things that felt so critical in those first few weeks of motherhood and I received some valuable advice from the lactation specialists there who signposted me to online reading and support networks and helped me adjust positioning for optimal feeding. I know from relatives and friends that the availability of in-person support varies around the country though, and it can be a lot harder to access in areas where breastfeeding isn’t as much of a priority.
There are also several breastfeeding support charities and the National Breastfeeding Helpline which is considered to be the best place to start if you have any breastfeeding concerns. There are also some excellent Facebook groups that help women navigate towards support, and at the other end of the spectrum, private lactation consultants who can be hired at a cost.
How long do babies typically breastfeed in the UK?
We have very poor rates of breastfeeding in the UK, one of the lowest rates in Europe. The last UK-wide Infant Feeding Survey was conducted in 2010 and found that 81% of mothers initiated breastfeeding, but by six weeks only 24% were exclusively breastfeeding, reducing to 1% at 6 months. The rate of any breastfeeding was 55% at six weeks and 34% at six months.
These figures are from a while ago now, and in the interim period UNICEF created their Baby Friendly Initiative which aims to transform healthcare for babies, mothers and families in the UK. They state that breastfeeding is a highly emotive subject in the UK because so many families have not breastfed, or have experienced trauma of trying hard to breastfeed and not succeeding. The pain felt by so many parents at any implication that they haven’t done the best for their child can close down conversation. UNICEF UK is urging the UK government to implement a set of actions to create a supportive, enabling environment for women who want to breastfeed.
United Kingdom
What’s your favourite thing about being a mother and raising children in the UK?
The NHS. It’s not a slick, streamlined machine - it’s genuinely there for everyone, regardless of race, economic status or social standing. After a year like this, I think as a country, we adore our NHS and all the workers within it more than ever. I’m also grateful to live in a country where women have rights and can voice their opinion and share their stories in a public space without fear, so it’s reassuring raising a girl here.
Also, while I love sunshine and would gladly emigrate to seek more of it, there’s something quite special about watching the seasons unfold in the UK. It’s autumn as I write this and we live in the midst of protected woodland, so it’s great that the kids are able to see the seasons change on our doorstep. My daughter has come home from school with pockets full of acorns and conkers every day this week.
If the world could learn one thing about how the UK approaches pregnancy, birth, & motherhood, what would it be?
That midwives are the birth experts. Doctors are there for high-risk pregnancies or when things go awry, but midwives are the ones who respect birth for the natural process it is. The NHS champions midwives, and in doing so empowers women through pregnancy, birth and beyond.
I also think our government maternity support policies allow women the time they need to recover from birth and to bond with their babies without fearing that they’ll lose their jobs or have no income. I know it’s not something we shouldn’t take for granted as I have friends who live across the pond in the US who haven’t been quite as fortunate.
Any other interesting facts you’d like to add?
I had my placenta encapsulated after my second birth and I felt full of vitality for the first five or six weeks postpartum while I was taking the pills. Whether or not that was the reason, I don’t know, but I’d definitely do it again if we have more kids!
What’s one piece of advice you’d like to give other mothers?
Trust your body. It knows how to do this if you let it. Also, take all the support you can get and ask for it if it’s not forthcoming. This parenting business is not meant to be shouldered by one person alone.
Interview with @modelmother